As Dr Seuss says oh the things you will see

Well my freinds this is a crazy and screwed up world we live in . And as i spend my working life as a long haul driver i get to see a side of the world most of you cant see. I see all the citys in North America from the back side. Not the pretty side you see on tv but the real city hiding in the back streets and industrial parks. The true underbelly of the place what i like to call the swub. That means the soft white underbelly. So come along and see our world and the many characters that are hiding in plain site on your highways and roads. my fellow drivers and the supporting staff that keeps them going.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

For sale one slightly used Truck Driver. I have more than two point five million miles on me and the chassis is a little worn. But all in all I am a good find for a company that is willing to treat me right and send me home on a regular basis.... I am well trained and even house broken though I rarely ever enter a house. But once inside I take to it like a fish to water. So come on all you trucking companys put in your offers and lets see what we can do. Be the first one to own your very own vintage 1968 Truck Driver. Your competitors will be green with envy. But remember its a package deal you also receive a wife and two sons whom the driver needs to see on a regular basis. Other wise you have just bought yourself a Cranky Ass Driver and no one wants one of those. What a deal

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Insidious Mosquito

Hello folks you are looking at the one creature that no one and i repeat no one could ever love not even its own mother. The dastardly mosquito the bain of my existence in northern Canada. He may look small and insignificant but trust me he is evil to the core the little blood sucking terror has highly developed predatory skills. They work in packs to track and to distract you one will fly about your head and while you swat at the dare devil his twenty Friends are feasting on your legs. They are pure evil genius and we need to stop them. I propose we round them up one and all and deport then some where we don't like. I am not sure where just yet because there is no where I dislike enough to unleash the swarm on. And a final thought on the blood sucking beast what is it with the sadistic desire it has to hide out until the lights go out then buzz around your head. You lay there teeth gritted knowing the moment you turn  the lights on the little bugger will vanish only to reappear as soon as you turn the light out. All in all the most evil creature that exists and i can only hope that the one day extinction will be sooner as opposed to later.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Dear Tourist

Hello my traveling tourist and vacationer. I am the large vehicle in your rear view mirror. And  I just wanted to inform you that I am at work and your temporally in my work place. And as such maybe you should think about sharing the road in a manner that is consistent with both our needs. Yes your on your annual road trip of fun and frivolity and that's just peachy with me have a blast and enjoy yourself. But like I said I am at my job my work my employment my way of earning a living I am not on a cross country trip of a lifetime. Nope that's not what I am up too and I ask you to PLEASE do the speed limit. You can still marvel at the wondrous things there are to see at 90 km as you can at 80 km. Oh and a little thought on that doing 80 km on the two lanes and 110 km in the passing lanes is a bad idea I may start wishing bad thoughts about you your mother and your mothers marital status when you where born. Let me and the other working folks pass in the passing lanes and as fast as you can say lickity split I will be gone on down the road and you can continue racking up those thrilling memories of your super duper vacation and I will not be a part of your vacation memories. Dear do you remember the angry irate truck driver who wanted to tear your toenails out? No drive friendly and that will never happen. And if all else fails we go back to you being in my work place how would you like me to show up at your job and rearrange the paperwork on your desk as your trying to work it would be darn annoying wouldn't it. So lets be Friends I will drive carefully and considerately and you do the same and we both enjoy the summer. And have a great road trip and i look forward to seeing you on the road.

The farm report, Jesus and Ontario

I will warn you in advance that this one is going to go all over the place. There is much on my mind today and I need to release the pressure or I may snap. I will start with Jesus and cattle. You may ask what in the world do these seemingly unrelated things have in common. Well my Friends let me enlighten you they are the state of radio in North America. Yep cattle and Christ dominate the airways. I recently stopped getting Sirius satellite radio after five years and have had to go back to AM, FM radio and depending where you are in the continent you have your choice of cattle or Christ I now know the price of every domestically raised animal and grain thanks to the farm report. If you need to know the state of the soybean market I am know your man. And my soul is closer to salvation than it has ever been Jesus dominates the low end of the FM spectrum But He also appears in the top too so beware He is everywhere. I have no problem with religion of any kind but if I am driving twelve hours a day it gets a little trying. Man do I miss satellite radio.
And now on to Ontario I am going to start a campaign to slice this province into half. No province should be 1300 miles to drive thru that's 2100 km for you metric folks out there.And that's all two lane roads heading from Ottawa to Manitoba 1200 frigging miles of two lane roads.Oh it has the lofty title of THE TRANS CANADA HIGHWAY but don't you believe it it should be called the washboard kidney killing trail! It would be a great place for truck makers to destruction test their vehicles to see what kind of component life they should expect out of their products. Because if there is a design flaw highway 11 and 17 will find it. So my idea is simple seeing as Ontario is so large we cut it in half and name the top part Bob. Bob will give us a sense of accomplishment that we have made it thru Ontario and we are making progress. And Bob being its own province it will free up government resources that currently naval gazing Ontario (Toronto) spend mostly in the south. So think my idea over it makes a lot of sense and it would give us a new province to boot that should liven up the Parliament. i will bet Bob and the old Ontario don't vote the same party line anyways.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Just a quick thought for the state of California why don't you round up and cage the highway workers as opposed to putting signs all about the state warning us of there existence. If they pose such a risk for the motoring public maybe we should eradicate them. I personally do not believe in their existence as you have as much a chance of seeing Bigfoot patching a pothole in the highway as one of these mystical highway workers. The thousands of orange barrels you casually spread across the interstate system to give the appearance of work are in fact doing nothing more than making my life hell. And are in no way repairing the roads unless the highway workers secretly hatch out of the barrels and fix the road in the dead of night. So stop the scam turn off the signs and stop trying to scare us with your non existent Highway workers. Besides your broke and you could save money on the wasted electricity.

Guns And Squirrel

Well the sign above says it all. On a recent trip to Detroit Mi the customer and or the city had posted this sign on the building. And I myself was glad to see it that meant that at least in theory i was going to be safe when i slept there. I mean what gun and drug toting gang banger was going to ignore the powers to be and blatantly walk around with bad stuff near this sign?  Its like kryptonite to gang bangers i wanted to remove the sign and travel around with it in other city's that it would come in handy. Such as Memphis, Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles and New York. Maybe i can go a step further and paint this on my truck then i would be safe everywhere. Genius why did i never think of this before.
 Well the signs magic powers worked i survived unmolested in Detroit the only shady creature i met was a city squirrel who amused me with his dumpster diving skills this little fellow had more attitude than any angry youth in poor fitting pants that i have ever met and he appears to live large on left over lunches. He had a four course meal right there in urban luxury. So all in all a great night i did not become a statistic about urban crime in the Detroit metro area and i met a surly squirrel who helped pass the time. I did get to meet some local youth when I walked to the 7 11 before dark and they where very pleasant and suggested if I was to get a slushy that the cherry koolaid was the bomb. In the interest of harmony I indeed got the cherry koolaid and if the bomb is good then yes it was.